It turns out that I have some old meeting minutes from last November that I had never published. We had some other discussion topic planned, when we realized that everyone’s favorite gay exmormon, Mikael, was present. Mikael is the coolest guy with a unique perspective, and also a great storyteller. So we were like, “Forget human rights, let’s talk about Mormonism!” The following is a distilled version of that talk.
- Mikael first told us about how his dad gave him the sex talk while eating at a hole-in-the-wall restaurant. The story involved a condom, a breadstick, and Gwen Stefani. I don’t think I could do it justice.
- We were going to leave it at that, but by popular demand, he went on to talk about how Mormonism is a fundamentalist cult. He talked about the secret endowment ceremony, which involves a poncho and a full body anointment by some old priest. Apparently, this ceremony is so secret that Mormons must swear to stop anyone who attempts to reveal it. It also used to be required that they swear to commit suicide should they reveal any secrets, but the FBI ordered that they end the suicide oath. But there are still wandering Mormon assassins who kill apostates.
- After the endowment ceremony, you get to learn one of the secret handshakes and wear the famous magic undergarments. If you take off the underwear for more than five minutes, God will not be able to protect you when Satan himself strikes you down. Mikael said it’s like a full-body yamaka (which is that skull-cap worn by Jews).
- Mikael’s grandfather, Richard Miller, is known for being the first FBI member to be indicted of espionage. He even has his own Wikipedia article, so you know he’s notable.
- Mormonism has a complicated mythology (which has inspired some elements of Battlestar Galactica). When you die, there are three levels of heaven you might go to. The top third of the highest level is reserved for Mormons, who are the only ones who get to keep their genitals. Also, God lives on a planet called Kolob which is 4000 miles from the sun. Also, God is Adam, not Jesus.
- Joseph Smith, the founder of Mormonism, had 28 wives. Someone noted that polygamy was in a way pragmatic because of the large gender imbalance in the pioneering days.
- Mikael told us how he underwent “treatment” for homosexuality. It was a Pavlovian setup involving electric shocks and both gay and straight porn.
- We heard about some other things that Mormons like to keep quiet, like the Mountain Meadows Massacre and the Kinderhook Plates.
- Mikael also showed us how he had been trained to rebut people like himself. See, he talked to God himself, so he knows.
Mikael is the chairman of ANCR. He had found BASS through our Ask An Atheist table.
Last 5 posts by Tristan Miller
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Your friend, Mikael sounds like my ex-next-door-neighbor. I heard some of the same things from him, but I can tell you that what he says is 100%, absolutely, no question wrong. WRONG! Everything! I swear it on my life. You are invited to go to a new LDS Temple, before it is dedicated for the Lord’s work, and you can see all the rooms and get a full explanation of what goes on there. Go!
Um… most of these facts are easily confirmable on the web. The afterlife doctrines are confirmed by Wikipedia, though they are not necessarily universal. The 28 wives are also easy to confirm. The most difficult to confirm are the details of the endowment ceremony, but there you go. Apparently, the endowment ceremony was changed to be far less shocking in 2005, so that little fact is admittedly out of date.
The rest of the facts, I leave as an exercise to the reader to verify.